PATRICK
9 min readJan 9, 2024

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Jan 14 & 16, 2024 UPDATEs beneath this initial content (grab a cup of coffee if you intend to read it — apologies for not being kinder or softer in the added material):

======= Initial content — Jan 9th ==============

I'm a guy. A former Marine as well (with double grad degrees though... not just a knuckle dragger). This is the kind of stuff that makes me angrier than, well, I cannot use that kind of language here. Katie Jgln story kinda hit a hot button topic for me in her piece (Why We Can’t Ignore What’s Happening to Women in Virtual Reality Today). BIG kudos to her.

There is NO excuse for this kind of behavior - pure and simple. A lot of it boils down to toxic male masculinity (not the sole reason of course) that I added to the bottom of this in response to Kathy Ayers prompting for more info (kudos to her).

TOO MANY men and young men (and teenagers) are just not there, in their mindset and thought processes - AND maturity.

If a guy wants to be with a woman, that guy has to show that he is desirable as a partner.

NOT continue - as too many other men over millennia have done, time and time again - in trying to show how much more macho and how tough and how badass and how domineering he is over a woman. (After years of seeing it, I still do not get it - that some women want that brutality. But, if they want it, that is up to them).

Men are not here to dominate women. Men and women are here as equals (yes, sure, call me naive and too optimistic) to enjoy each other. Not stalk women as some kind of prey.

And the worse kind of men - men preying on underage girls, in ANY VENUE (IRL or VR or whatever)...!!!!

COME ON...!!!!

These kinds of individual are NOT men, they do not belong to our category...

(I'm stopping here, too angry thinking about that teenager [and other women] who have to go through this against their will.)

======= update begins ==============

Credits to Katie Jgln story for her story on men stalking / bullying / dominating women & girls. In VR, or in my eyes — in any other venue, VR, IRL….

Why are men like this…? And let’s not forget there are some women around the planet doing the same thing, just not at the same volume/quantity.

From my own empirical knowledge, of what I have observed personally, across most of this country and in multiple other countries where I have had my feet on the ground (mostly personal travel). And from the various documentaries, movies I’ve seen and books I’ve read — it is primarily about POWER! Whether the man/boy realizes it at a conscious level or not.

· And I am very certain nearly all women on this site already knows that….

Too many men, many of them while growing up — watched their father for most things in life. If there was a ‘not good’ father, who beat or dominated his wife — that boy in many cases, ends up doing those very same power moves (at a smaller scale of course) on young girls — getting that jolt of temporary power that they believe is an elixir of something wonderful — in their little mind and brain.

· So yes, they seem to enjoy it at some elemental, base level of depravity… Somewhat disgusting when anyone takes advantage of another human being for any reason.

As these particular boys grow older, they become more brazen and brutal in their manner of lording power over a woman. And it does not matter whether it is emotional, mental(psychological), financial or physical.

  • And all of this goes back for Millennia….

Or. Or…. There are those teens who reach adulthood not via that route but something changed in their brain.

Maybe young women did not like the guy in question for some reason and he becomes bitter. Plus, with the Internet and dark rabbit holes to descend down into, he becomes a deeper, darker person towards women. He builds on his own lack of success of getting to know and date women and morphs into a guy who wants to dominate a woman (or women if he starts feeling that maniacal).

He goes on to find a woman who he believes is weak and has no spine. And there are numerous women who, sadly, feel weak and hopeless and for whatever unfortunate reason — they succumb to the guy’s brutality and domination. Willing to take the broken bones because they ‘believe’ they love this guy and do not report the abuse.

But we also know that there are too many men (and teens) who do not have spines of their own to learn from their mistakes and become a ‘better’ man. If a woman chooses to not want him and is making it abundantly clear — then he should immediately cease any activities with that particular woman and start a new search for a new friend that he and her can become equal partners.

But we have too many men and women who find it very difficult to stop these kinds of behaviors and move on — that is a tough cookie to crack… And too many of these guys tend to take it out on gay men, thinking that they are so badass in taking it out on women (or trying to) that they can also get away with it by taking it out on gay men.

The sad part is, there are too many women who are trapped or feel trapped to break out and continue to undergo this male dominance. (This is the primary reason I donate to groups like House of Ruth!)

Many of these women get sucked in and trapped into believing there is no way out. And the guys doing this — the lordly men they believe they are. Bad asses to the world — because they believe in dominating a woman(women), they can be supreme in everything they do.

Yet sometimes and it makes me very proud, there are women who stand up, showing their backbone — to put down, put off and/or to divest themselves of such men…

My blood boils every time I see or hear of a situation where a woman is victimized by a guy who believes (thinks) he is the top dog and can control a woman, 24 hours a day, EVERYDAY. While at the same time, my heart breaks because there is not a single thing I can do to help all the women in the world escape that torturous life. Except to be a role model for young boys and other men to emulate — setting a clear example in everything I do and hope they emulate that. Without me telling them that is what I am doing…

That and donating to women’s shelters that women still need to escape to…

And if I am around and see this happening, guess who is going to step in and try to talk reason…? Or more, to help the woman being assaulted. (And calling law enforcement if necessary.) While NOT being one of the numerous bystanders just standing there doing videos of the encounter and later talking about it:

· Girlfriend, I just saw a woman…..

· Dude, check out this video — I just saw a guy kicking the….

PEOPLE — STOP being stupid bystanders and help stop this kind of behavior…!!!

For perspective, as to where it comes from…

I am just one guy where @Kate Jgin’s story got me riled up (again) at these kinds of men. And beating them senseless does not solve the problem….

I am a collaborator who does not need the spotlight, I believe in sharing credit for success and taking the heat for a mistake or failure. I do not need a slap on the back to signal me when I’ve done a good job. If one knows they did a good job, that is all many of us need — self-acknowledgement.

In the past, I have made the ire of 1, 2 and 3 star officers and equivalent civilians (at various agencies as well in the commercial world) for letting young women have their turn speaking (adding context or ideas) after they were trampled on (verbally) by a male (senior or not) — I always came back to that woman for her turn to finish her thought. (I still do this behavior…)

And I do not care if the person I want to invite or engage in any conversation is straight, gay, brown, black, orange, old, young, shy, short, tall, high school graduate or from whatever political party.

If the person has an open mindset and “is willing” to be pragmatic, smart and compromising AND conversational (not argumentative) when needed — I will always extend openness. Otherwise, it is very difficult to try, in helping another hard-headed, silo invested individual change their mindset/thought processes. I prefer not to use the word ‘brainwashed’ — it is sometimes unwieldy in too many situations. But many people in this country and around the planet are seriously ingrained, deeply so — in rather bad and uncompromising thoughts (and a lot of time — completely untrue).

As a Marine platoon sergeant years ago, I did not need to raise my voice or use profanity (and no, I am not religious) to get things done. But the glare in my eyes, the furor between my eyebrows and the changing timbre of my voice at those points — going deeper and slower. Well, it still breaks up and pauses conversations and gains attention, even if I am not the most senior in the room (but one has to know when to do this without getting fired — as in cutting off a senior executive on global video calls while he/she is talking. Know your audience and be sure they know you).

Mainly, I tend to speak up when it is critical or important (like now but I’ve written about equality before, a few times) or to be the devils’ advocate when no one else speaks up (shy, afraid, fear of domination) — to get the ball rolling.

Then shut up. I have never been that important to keep talking…

I have always been confident in myself to do things in my life without ever being concerned of not having a spine or not being successful with the opposite sex. Or anything else in life. One continues moving forward, regardless of setbacks.

Lastly — yes, I have seen this kind of behavior first person while growing up. Somehow, I managed to not get on to that stupid, dangerous, evil domination track.

I rejected religion while in kindergarten, even though forced to go to Sunday school and hear religious radio every morning (grandparents — the family trees were southern baptist). I used as models — James Earl Jones, John Forsythe and Walter Cronkite to break out of my fast-talking slur in grade school. There is quite a bit more but this is enough.

======= update, Jan 16, begins ==============

(Okay then, my response back to Kathy Ayers was intended to be short — but this topic that Katie Jgln started in her story is a BIG deal…. Figured I’d also add it here instead of leaving it buried in responses. )

Very, very, VERY true on the Thugs and cancer character.

And sad. We’ve been set back at least 20 years for male/female interactions and equality. All due to a certain person with 91 counts of criminality — opening up a bigger gateway for brutalism/thuggishness (choose your term) surface even more.

And my not being an expert in psychology, what I broached was my feeble attempt to talk about it only scratches the surface.

Too many men are also afraid of sounding / appearing weak — especially around other guys — ESPECIALLY around other wannabe ALPHA males.

This is a primary reason why I continue to prompt ‘everyone’ around me to speak up, whether it is right or wrong — nor if they are male or female. (And if someone thinks what a person says is stupid or just funny — I attempt to chop that off and stay on topic.)

The only way to correct (or compromise) anything is to bring it up and talk about it.

Just not divulge into argumentative areas, like someone attempts (basically) to say “Hey, I’m right here and you’re wrong.”

This argumentative style sometimes rears its ugly head from those mainly harboring in silo environments and afraid to venture out for ‘better’ information, even if it puts them into an uncomfortable zone — lack of knowledge.

Like those days of when sooooo many humans were swearing this planet was flat… or when Aristotle tried to tell others that Earth revolved around the Sun and not vice-versa…

I spent the first 20 years of my life listening to people talking about how the Earth was only 6,000 years old — but I knew from science that it was far older. That 20th year was when there was incontrovertible evidence that the Earth was FAR older than the religious groups believed in — and the talk of 6,000 year old Earth kinda petered out….

— — — — -

Bottom line: Stupid toxic male masculinity — afraid of their own appearance of weakness — making it INCREDIBLY difficult for sincere and ‘stronger’ minded men to win the hearts of the woman the guy is enthralled with.

The toxic men, for what damage they’ve done to women, causes the sincere guy to try ever harder. This is because the woman who was harmed by the toxic guy is doubtful of EVERY male she comes across after the toxic encounter(s) — for the rest of her life.

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